I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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