I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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