i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
