Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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