thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
