I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
