You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
