im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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