Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
