Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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