Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
