Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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