I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
she pinky promised me she was 18
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
