dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
