guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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