This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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