I got chris browned last night
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
