OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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