2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
