I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Alive.
So much puke
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
