I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
