I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
