you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
third nipple confirmed
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
