Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
whose parrot is this?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
