Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
