I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
