i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
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