Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
