im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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