Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
