He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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