I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
