Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
