The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
