I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
