if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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