How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
