The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
