I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
