Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
