Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
