you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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