I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
