"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Welp...herpes.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
