what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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