I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
