I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
my shit smells like andre
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize