You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
