On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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