So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
