did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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