Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
