It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
