Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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