at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize