Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
