White coat. Heels.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
