I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She bit a glass in half.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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